Just How Wrong Could I Be?
by RemusXSirius
Summary: Will not be completed
1. Chapter 1

I sat on the edge of my bed, reading one of my new books. My father had taken me to Diagon Alley so I could buy some school stuff. My mother hadn't been there in years, she always feels like people are aware of my condition, she hadn't been out near wizards with me since I was bitten. On that night twelve years ago, when Fenrir Greyback bit me on the night of a full moon, my parents seem to have distanced themselves emotionally from me. Sure, they tell me they love me and try to care for me (they do the best they can considering we aren't the richest of families) and stuff like that, but when that time of the month nears, I rarely see them. They lock me in the basement at night and clean me up in the morning. So, I'd grown up thinking it was very hard to love a werewolf, so that was what I had to prepare myself for, for the rest of my life. But this is the story of how I discovered just how wrong I was.

So, like I was saying, I was sitting on the edge of my bed reading my second hand copy of Standard Book of Spells Grade 7. That night was the full moon, I could already feel the effects of the moon: my body was stiff and tired. The day after that I would be leaving for my friends' house, so my trunk lay neatly at the bottom of my bed. James had invited me and Peter to stay for the rest of the holidays, Sirius had of course moved in last summer. That was also my mother's birthday and my father was talking her out for dinner so I would be left alone.

"Remus!" my mother called up the stairs to me. I made my way down to her. Our house was small, made up of two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs, and a living room an kitchen downstairs, and of course the basement which had to be added for me, and cost my parents a lot of money. Every room was small, but still comfortable.

"Your dinner is ready. It's on the table. I'm going to get dressed," I nodded my thanks to her and made my way into the room at the back of the house.

My father was sat at the wooden table, Daily Prophet in hand. I sat opposite him, although he did not look up, and began to eat. He worked at the Ministry, it was only a small job that didn't earn much pay, but still more than my mother, who didn't work.

"John, are you ready to go?" my mother entered the kitchen wearing her "occasion" dress, as she called it. My father, who had saved up for weeks to take her out on her birthday, stood from the table and nodded. I just finished my meal when she turned to speak to me, "Remus, we will have to lock you in early tonight."

"It's okay," I told her although it wasn't okay. I'd have to sit for hours in the dark, dank basement, doing nothing, waiting for the moon. The waiting always was horrible, especially, not knowing how long you would have to wait. This was something I would never tell my mother though. She smiled sadly, kissed me on the cheek and walked me towards the steel door where we said goodbye.

* * *

I awoke in the living room, my mother had already been in and cleaned up my wounds and dressed them. I staggered to my feet and made my way to my room. Lying down on my bed, I reached beneath my pillow to the hidden bar of Honeydukes chocolate. Sirius had given me it for my birthday a few months previously and I had made it last. It was these morning when chocolate was what I really needed. Eventually, I made my way back downstairs to find my parents in the kitchen.

"Have a good night?" I questioned, trying to evoke a pleasant conversation. My mother nodded, never the one to indulge in such things.

"Are you okay? Will you be fine to leave for your friends'?" she asked, it was my turn to nod. Since the conversation seemed over, I once again found solitude in my room.

By 12, I was feeling a lot better, but partly because I was about to leave for James'. I was about to see my friends again, something I'd been counting the days down to. So, by 12, I had my trunk packed and was saying goodbye to my parents and stepping into the green flames.

Rooms spun past me, bright rooms, dark rooms, small rooms and big rooms, until finally I landed in James'. It could me a few minutes to regain my balance, but it was then lost when Sirius bowled into me. I laughed and pushed off the overexcited boy off me before being helped to my feet by James.

"Hey guys, how's your summer been?" I asked, I already knew what they had done because I'd been writing to them, but it seemed the thing to ask.

"Great, you?" James asked, grabbing my trunk and beginning to take it upstairs, followed by Sirius and I. I simply answered with 'same as usual'.

Peter would be arriving the next day so James, Sirius and I just spent the day lounging around and joking with each other. It had only been three weeks, but I'd really missed just talking to my friends, joking with them, laughing with them, it was good to be back.

When Peter arrived we ventured outside, they messed around on brooms (I did not as I had not been on a broom since flying lessons) and played a small version of Quidditch. The last three weeks of the holidays past in a flash and before we knew it, it was August 31st and we were off to Diagon Alley.

The four of us sat at the new ice cream parlour, Florean Fortescue was the owner. He was distantly related to a girl in our year by the name of Alice. James' parents were shopping, the others had already bought their stuff.

A red headed girl walked into the shop with the previously mentioned Alice. It was of course Lily, she smiled when she saw me, a smile that quickly turned into a frown when she noticed the others at my table.

"Lily!" James shouted to her.

"What, Potter?" she practically snarled.

"Guess who was made Head Boy?"

"I really hope you're going to say Remus"

"Nope, me! And you're Head Girl I take it?"

Lily threw a glare at him, Alice nodded silently behind her, making James laugh, already excited about the possibilities. Alice usually took our side when Lily got annoyed, she thought it to be completely pointless. They took seats on the far side of the shop and left before James' parents returned for us.

The next day, we'd be on the train. Once back at Hogwarts, Sirius would be all kinds of crazy in a confined space, James would be using his new position to "woo" Lily, Peter would, well, be being Peter, and I would be back to trying to squeeze in homework around Sirius' mad outbursts. So, pretty much back to what I had come to know as normal over the last six years, and back to everything I loved.

* * *

**A/N please review, if the first couple of chapters get a good response I will continue the story, if not I'll scrap** **it**


	2. Chapter 2

Sure enough, Sirius' crazy started acting up on the train. He sat complaining loudly about how small the compartment was and stretching across the entire seat, including me.

"Sirius, would you please get off me!" I looked up from my book to try and shove his legs off my lap.

"Don't want to," he replied simply, not unlike a child would. I groaned and went back to read my book. This was only one of three in this one journey.

The second was a couple of hours into the train ride. I was still immersed in my book, and had completely forgotten about Sirius' legs, which were, of course, still draped over me. That was until he got bored of watching James and Peter's game of exploding snap, and turned his attention to me.

"Moooony," he whined, I ignored him.

"Remmykins," came his voice a few seconds later, I still continued reading. I could see a scowl growing on his face.

Quickly, that scowl turned into a mischievous smirk that told me something bad was about to happen. Before I could react, his foot kicked the book out of my hands. Using his excellent reflexes, he caught it with one hand and threw it behind him before diving on me.

"Argh! Sirius! I - can't breathe!" I rasped underneath his giggling form.

"Shouldn't ignore me then should you," he said whilst repositioning himself more comfortably without getting off me.

"God Sirius, what do you eat!?" I complained, desperately trying to push him off me. James looked up from his game and cocked an eyebrow.

"Sirius, be nice," he said in a very "strict mother" tone. Sirius clambered off me and sat back down, pouting.

The third one did not occur until half an hour before we reached Hogsmeade. I had finished reading, changed into my robes and was talking to the others. Sirius however, was not talking. That was when he started pelting me with Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. I chose to ignore him, earning more scowls until suddenly he tackled me to the floor. And then the compartment door opened and Lily entered to find Sirius straddling me on the floor. She was momentarily at a loss for words. She shook herself and then turned to James.

"You were supposed to be at the Prefects' meeting hours ago," she said bluntly. Realisation passed across James' face.

"That's what I was forgetting!" he said triumphantly, smiling broadly. Then he noticed the serious look on Lily's face and quickly stopped, adding, "And that was awful behaviour for the new Head Boy to show. I am dreadfully sorry, I'm an awful Head Boy. Remus should have been given the position not me. Please forgive me, I shall never ever be late again."

To me, Sirius and Peter, it was obvious that this was all for Lily's benefit, however she just smiled slightly, seeming pleased with his response, and nodded, "Get moving then, we have more to do."

The pair left just as the train pulled into the station, leaving the rest of us to depart without them.

* * *

I was on my way back to Gryffindor tower after a long night in library finishing the essays I'd received in the first week back. It felt good to be back at Hogwarts, I let myself smile as I traced the ever-so-familiar route. The first week had been normal so far, although with another ten out bursts from Sirius (including an incident where he poured an entire bowl of cereal over an annoying third year Hufflepuff). James and Lily had been getting on without any fights as of yet. And Peter had already fallen behind on his work.

Slipping behind a tapestry to go down one of the Marauder's secret passage ways, I came across an... unpleasant scene. Sirius and a Ravenclaw girl in our year, by the name of Annabella, stood pressed up against the stone wall, locked in a fierce kiss and embrace. I felt a boiling anger build up in the pit of my stomach. They pair did not notice my presence, but I was too shocked and angered to move. However when Sirius moved his mouth to her neck, her eyes opened momentarily. Noticing me, she let out a slight shriek, alerting Sirius. He look up, but the pair still remained in their embrace.

"Hey, Remus," Sirius spoke as if it was the most natural thing in the world for me to find him like this. However, I did not think so, and stalked off down the corridor without a word.

Back in the dormitory, I sank into my bed. I'd left James and Peter down in the common room, and now stared at the bed opposite mine, the bed that belonged to Sirius. _Why did I react like that? I mean, it was a repulsive sight, but why am I so angry? This has never happened before... _I thought to myself before sighing and rolling over.

* * *

When morning came, I sat up to find Sirius staring at me from across the room. Memories from the previous night flashed through my mind, an that strange anger started boiling up again. I looked away and quickly dressed.

"Remus," Sirius said, shifting to the end of his bed.

"What?" I spat. _That was a little harsh Remus... God why? _

"What's the matter with you!"

"Well, I don't particularly enjoy walking in on- in on- _that!_"

"What? Me and Annabella? What's your problem with it?"

"Sorry for not enjoying watching you and your _latest fling_ practically molest each other in a freaking corridor!" I pulled on my robes and left the dorm, finding Lily down there and dragging her off to breakfast.

* * *

"Remus, what's gotten you all worked up?" Lily spoke as we sat in the nearly empty Great Hall. It was very early on a Saturday morning so not a lot of people chose to get up yet.

"Lily, I have absolutely no idea!" I put my head on the table, eyes closed with frustration, "I got angry and now I'm even more angry because I don't understand why I'm angry!" I wanted to tell Lily everything, but at that exact moment James sat down next to me. I raised my head and shot Lily a look to tell her not to mention anything, she gave the slightest of nods in return.

"Hey Moony, you're up early. Everything alright?" James spoke then lifted his head to Lily, "Evans," he said with a nod, to which she retuned with a nod of her own.

"Yeah James, I'm fine. Toast?" I offered him a slice from the pile next to me.

"Thanks. Anyway, know what's the matter with Padfoot this morning? He seemed more irritated than normal when I called him vain."

At this, anger flashes across my face, which of course did not go unnoticed by Lily, whose calculating eyes started to piece things together. "No James, I don't," I replied rather stiffly.

I ate slice after slice of toast (so I eat when I get angry) while Lily and James shared polite conversation. For a while, I marvelled at how they could mask their feelings when in situations like this. Last year, Lily would be biting his head off and James would have been flirting like mad with her to no avail. Now however, Lily managed to speak to him without starting an argument and James got through their exchanges without random flirtatious comments or declarations of love.

It was while I was thinking about this that the Ravenclaw girl Annabella and her friend Jane walked over.

"Er James?" she spoke almost nervously, I tried my best to pretend she was not there, "James, have you seen Sirius?"

"Who's asking?"

"Erm well," she blushes furiously and Jane started giggling like mad, "his girlfriend.." she ended quietly. Confusion spread across James' face, while anger set on mine. Again Lily noticed this, her eyes narrowing- never a good sign.

"As of when and why have I not been informed?" the last part was directed at Sirius who had just walked up and slipped his hands around her waist.

"Last night, sorry, forgot to mention it."

"Hmph. Well then," James said, faking hurt at Sirius not telling him. Sirius simply ruffled James' messy hair before leaving with the two girls for the Ravenclaw table.

"Remus, care to join me in the library?" Lily spoke, her eyes had not left me and were still narrowed and filled with suspicion. This was not going to be good. I stood and made to leave, Lily close behind me.

We heard James shout from behind us, "Well bye then! No, no, don't mind me! I'll just sit here _alone!_"

* * *

**A/N thoughts? Reviews keep me writing and make my day! :) **


	3. Chapter 3

Taking a secluded seat in the room of the library, I took out my Charms book and pretended to be very interested reading it.

"Remus."

"Oh, one minute Lily, I'm just reading this here for our next lesson."

"Remus, you books upside down," Lily said bluntly, clearly not impressed.

"Oh would you look at that-"

"Remus!" she hissed, "Would you put the damn book down and talk to me!"

"Miss Evans! Insulting an innocent Charms book!" I said in a very good impersonation of Madame Pince.

"What is going on? Has Sirius down something to you?" she persisted. I sighed, placing the book on the table.

"Okay, yes and no. I don't _know_- argh! I saw him last night with his new _girlfriend_-"

"Ah. So then. You got jealous?" a slight smirk had spread across her face, while a pink tinge coloured mine.

"What! That's preposterous! Me get jealous of Annabella! Are you implying that I like Sirius? Cause I don't!"

"Actually, I was implying you liked Annabella. But this- this is interesting," an even bigger grin spread across her face. I hit my head off the desk. Of course she meant I liked Annabella, why did I jump to the conclusion she meant Sirius?

"So do you like Sirius?"

"What? Lily that's just stupid, he's my best friend!"

"So why did you get so annoyed as why are you still annoyed?"

"Argh! That's the problem! I-do-not-know!"

"Interesting.."

"Lily! Don't be like that!"

"Like what? Anyway, I better get going," she stood from the table and swept away before I could stop her. I slumped forward and tried to work. However trying to clear my mind of Lily's ridiculous -_ridiculous!_- words was harder than expected. In short, I ended up spend an hour staring at the same spot on the same page of my still-upside-down Charms book.

* * *

Eventually, I found myself back in the common room. James sat on my right, he seemed deep in thought.

"Remus, I need your help," James said still staring off into the distance. At that, he grabbed my arm and pulled me off to the dorm. I let myself be dragged away as Sirius had just shown his face downstairs.

"Remus, I need your help," he repeated once seated on his bed. I sat on Peter's bed next to his.

"With what?" I was expecting homework at first, but the whole dragging off thing made me question my initial thoughts.

"Lily."

"Oh. Well what about her? You haven't annoyed her again have you? You were getting on so well!" (I mean, well for them).

"No, no, nothing like that. It's just, I want her to like me. You know.. _like_ like me.. And I just don't know how! She's so difficult!" I let out a small sigh. It was only a matter of time before this started again. At least this time he was going about it correctly and carefully.

"James. It's going to be a long process, and you're going to have to be very careful whilst carrying it out. But if you think you can do so and be patient, then I will help you," James started nodding furiously whilst sporting a broad grin. At this moment, Sirius and Peter entered the dorm, "Just not right now," I said as I grabbed my bag and nearly ran out of the room, down the stairs and to the Great Hall for lunch.

I spent the majority of the afternoon in the library. My work from the week was completed, but who would deny themselves the chance to enhance their knowledge- okay, I was avoiding Sirius.

Another unfortunate run in after dinner had filled me once again with a lot of anger. I was leaving the Great Hall when I heard some very odd sounds coming from Filch's supply cupboard next to the marble staircase. Being a prefect, I thought it my duty to investigate. However that was when I came across a half naked Sirius and Annabella. They look up as I opened the door, her face turned crimson, whilst Sirius just looked expectantly at me. I slammed the door shut and stormed up the stairs and found myself outside the library sometime later.

I had been reading 'Advanced Potion Making' because I am truly terrible at Potions, when James sat down opposite me. He looked very nervous about being in the library, as though he thought he might catch something that might actually make him do work! I looked quizzically at him.

"Remus, I need you to start helping me. Me and Lily have rounds tonight, I need help!"

"Okay," I place my book down, "this is what you've got to do. Do not talk about yourself, Quidditch, yourself, pranks, yourself, teasing Snape, oh and yourself. You need to show Lily that you're not the big headed bully that she thinks you are."

"But I'm not a big head bully!" James said defensively.

"Right. Show her that. For the past six years you've talked about yourself and your "amazingness" and Quidditch and all the things she hates. You need to show her mature James. This will get her to be you friend."

"My friend! I don't want her to be my friend! I want her to be my girlfriend! You're forgetting the girl part Remus!"

"I told you it would take time! This is simply the first part!"

Our voices had been getting steadily louder and Madame Pince came around the corner to shoo us out. Out in the corridor, we headed for Gryffindor tower.

"You're sure this will work?"

"I'm positive," _'I think..' _

* * *

"Remus John Lupin!" Sirius' voice came from the other side of the room as I clambered through the portrait hole. I froze half way out. He strode across the room, past James and pushed me back out, following me, "This way! Now!"

I had absolutely no idea what he was doing but I let myself be pushed along the corridor. We came to an empty classroom and he shoved me and and closed the door behind himself.

"What is your freaking problem! Twice in two days you've stopped me and Anna and then gone in a mood and refused to talk to me! Remus you're my best friend! Surely I deserve some explanation for why you're acting as if you want to kill me!"

I sighed and sat on a desk. His eyes were burning holes into my skull, but I did not look up at him.

"Sirius, you're right, you deserve an explanation, but I don't have one to give you."

"Then why the hell do you keep acting like this!" Sirius' tone did not change, he was mad, which made me mad.

"Well, lets just have a guess since we don't know then shall we! Maybe it's because after years of you and random flings appearing everywhere, I've gotten a little bit sick! Maybe I thought you'd grown past this over the summer, but nooo! Not the Sirius Black! Black grow up? _Never!_" I was starting to blow up, if someone didn't stop me I would stand there all night screaming.

"Actually! This is not some fling! I have grown up! And I'm serious about Anna! I too am sick of meaningless flings! Maybe I want something more! And Anna was there it give it to me!"

"Oh-" the softness made the sound barely audible. His words had caused a sinking feeling in my stomach, and for some reason, I wasn't so much angry as, sad and oddly alone. "Well it doesn't make any difference. I still don't want to walk in on it or hear it for that matter," my voice managed to withhold the sadness my body was feeling, but had lost all the anger. I felt suddenly drained, and made for the door, leaving a fuming and confused Sirius behind me.

* * *

That night I lay in my four-poster, curtains drawn, listening to the sounds of the other three in the dorm as they slept. I thought through my conversation with Lily from earlier, and my one with Sirius, and even my ones with James. Together they made me realise: James was always very serious about wanting Lily and clearly has strong feeling for the redhead; you can never hide anything from Lily Evans; her and James really would be excellent together and I had to really help James; I had a strong hatred for Annabella Clark; and finally, something very odd was happening about my feelings towards a certain friend of mine..

This last realisation may or may not have had something to do with Sirius' amazingly toned body that I saw in that cupboard today- wait, what am I saying? No! No, I take it back! Ack!

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**A/N please tell me what you think**


	4. Chapter 4

Sunday past in a flash as I spent most of the day in my four poster with a book. I didn't want to leave and find Lily waiting with more ridiculous questions, James with even more questions about Lily and the possibility of a third run in with Sirius and Annabella. But, alas, when Monday came I found myself in close proximity with all of these people.

I sat in Defence Against the Dark Arts with James to my right and Lily to my left, Sirius, Peter and Annabella sat in front of us. Her stupidly long stupidly blonde hair kept catching the light and distracting me, also drawing my attention to Sirius' arm wrapped tight around her waist. I needed my own distraction when I remembered I hadn't asked James how the rounds with Lily went. I quickly wrote him and note.

_James, how did the other night with Lily go?_

**_Remus John Lupin! Passing notes in class! I could give you a detention you know! _**

_Very funny, now do you want my help or not?_

_**It went okay I think. She seemed to find it odd that I didn't do the things you told me not to do. But not once did I talk about myself or anything else annoying. I even made her laugh!**_

_Really? How?_

_**Oh..erm.. well you see I was talking to her and wasn't really watching where I was going and kind of... tripped and fell into a suit of amour..**_

_**Remus stop laughing at me or I won't tell you the rest!**_

_There's more? _

_**The suit of amour did not really appreciate being knocked over..**_

_Oh? And what did the suit of amour do to you James?_

_**It hit me over the head and slapped me across the face..**_

I buried my face in my arms to try and hide my laughter from James- it didn't work.

"Remus-" James hissed, "stop-laughing-at-me!" he continued hitting me with his book between each word. However this only made me laugh even more.

When I calmed down I saw another note in front of me.

_Remus, what the hell is going on with you and Potter? Why are you laughing and why is he hitting you?_

It was from Lily, I quickly replied in a whispered voice, "Oh, James was just telling me of his little incident with a suit of amour the other night. Her face turned bright red as she tried to contain her laughter. Eyes watering, she was forced to put her head down so now she looked like a pile of robes shaking violently with her laughter. This again set me off, whilst James just crossed his arms, looking huffy. Our laughter had not gone unnoticed and the three in front of us turned and sent us quizzical looks.

I calmed down enough to send James another message.

_Okay, okay, I'm sorry, so you were saying that you think you're doing well? Ready for the next step?_

_**Yes! Yes! Next step!**_

_Okay, it's very simple. Keep up on step 1 but, interact more than is necessary. Now don't act needy, just sit near her in the Great Hall and strike up general conversation. Don't sit right next to her because she might realise something is up. Okay?_

_**Urgh, is that all? I thought this would be the 'girl' part of the girlfriend, you're just all about the 'friend' aren't you? Don't you care about the girl part Remus? **_

_Be patient. _

_**Fine. **_

_**Should I pass her notes in class?**_

_Nooo, definitely not. Needy and not getting in her good books._

_**Fine.**_

* * *

Thankfully, James took my advice well. We both sat down with her at lunch and he struck up conversation with her that actually included other people (me, Peter and Alice) and was not about himself! All in all, I was quiet impressed with him. And after dinner Lily coerced me into joining her in the library.

"So then Remus, had a little think over some thinks, maybe come to a certain conclusion?"

"I don't know what you're taking about."

"Oh really, so all that time you spent in your dorm yesterday, and nothing about what I said crossed your mind?"

"Maybe."

"Remus. Here's what I think. You like Sirius in a more-than-platonic way, but are being to stubborn and stupid to realise it and are currently in denial."

"Oh my god Lily! What the hell, I'm not in denial!"

"Right, sure you're not. Who said anything about denial?" I always hated when Lily did this. She would say something and then pretend she didn't. It was her way of making people think about the things they really did not want to think about, and god, it certainly was effective.

"Anyway, forgetting about that. Why's James acting so weird?" Lily questioned. It was clear that she wasn't really paying any attention anymore as she had just called James James. My mouth actually fell open when she said it, so causally, just while she was flicking through her book.

"Who!?"

"What do you mean wh-" she gasped as she realised what she said, "See what I mean! He's being weird! And got me calling him by his first name and everything."

I smirked thinking about how happy James will be when I tell him later, "James or Potter, I still don't know what you're talking about."

* * *

For the remainder of the day I stressed over what Lily had said. How dare she imply I had feelings for Sirius, where was her place to make me realise things! But I had came to the decision that I had absolutely zero feelings towards him in that sense.

Shortly after this decision, I was walking back from James' Quidditch practise and I had just told him of Lily accidentally calling him James -he had done a rather amusing little jig - when we saw Sirius and Annabella sitting under our favourite tree by the lake. Her head rested on his shoulder and he help her round the waist. It was then that I realised the burned sensation in my stomach was jealousy.

* * *

**A/N sorry for the shorter chapter, very busy and I just wanted to give the people who follow this something, review please :) **


	5. Chapter 5

Those eyes. Those sliver-grey eyes that could make anybody weak at the knees. Those eyes that had such a strong effect on me when I caught them staring at me merely five minutes ago.

In Transfiguration, I sat taking notes on Professor McGonagall's speech, while James sat next to me (probably contemplating his "Lily Plan" as he had taken to calling it, I had taken to ignoring that he was trying to pass off my plan as his own) and Sirius sat next to him with his head on the desk.

Since my realisation last night, I had begun noticing little things about Sirius even though we were still not speaking (and by little things, I mean, every single little thing). And it was during Transfiguration that I noticed that Sirius' head was pointed in my direction. And then I realised, he had been staring right at me for the last ten minutes. My quill stopped scratching, I turned my head and looked right back at him.

I meant it only to draw attention to me bring aware of him staring at me. However, he did not move his head, instead he just stated straight into my eyes, and I stared right back. Something in the back of my mind whimpered slightly at the intensity of those amazing silver-grey eyes. I felt my mind loose control, no longer being able to string words together, so I just stared. Those eyes were filled with some unreadable emotion, the face around them not helping at all. Sirius was very good when it came to concealing or faking emotions. It was then a little voice in the back of my mind told me what I was doing: I was staring at Sirius (we already knew that much) but I was longing to see those eyes show a flicker of happiness towards me. I wanted him to be happy when staring at me, I wanted it to mean so much more than it did right now. I pulled my eyes away, running my hand through my hair, trying to clear my mind of thoughts of Sirius. He moved too. He sat up and stared at the front instead.

_He only even looked at you because he was bored. And that was only because Annabella isn't in this class. _I told myself over and over. But is given up on note taking, it was time to address some rather serious issues.

I was aware that I was jealous of Annabella. But does that have to mean I like Sirius?

_Yes._

Oh stupid voice in the back of my head, why, oh why, must you tell me the truth when all I want is a lie.

_That was a lie, you want it to be true._

Goddamn. I need help with this. James? Too close to Sirius. Peter? Don't want to scar him.. Lily? Please no...

* * *

My favourite book sat on my lap. I'd convinced myself that I need not tell Lily anything, because this wasn't anything! Sure, he made me shiver in an all-too-good way every time he looked at me, but ask any girl here and they'd say the same! At this, the voice from earlier somewhat growled, as if it was jealous. But that was stupid. That voice was stupid. _God Remus shut up and read! Reading is good! Reading is distracting! Read, Remus, read! _

Five minutes later and exactly one sentence into my book, Sirius walked into the room, straight past me and into the bathroom. I heard the sound of the shower turning on._ Oh great(!) Now naked Sirius is thrown into the mixture of too confusing thoughts(!) _

When he finally emerged (fully dressed thankfully- _yeah, thankfully, you keep telling yourself that_) he walked up to the end of my bed.

"Look," he spoke his eyes once again boring into my mine, "about the other day-"

"Sirius, please let me speak first," I stared deliberately at his nose, not trusting myself with his eyes, "I'm sorry about the way I've been acting, it's totally uncalled for. I'm- I'm really- happy for you and- and Annabella," I choked out, the sinking feeling returning, "I don't care who you're with or what you do just, I can't stand our fighting."

Sirius' eyes lit up, for the first time since he left his parents' house. If only I knew if it was because of me wanting to be his friend again, or because of my "acceptance" of his relationship. But either way, Sirius pranced around my bed and hugged me. I smiled into his shoulder, my friend was back. And that would have been great, if most of what I had said hadn't been a lie..

* * *

With Padfoot and Moony back to the way we were before, life became better. Actually, it was pretty much the same. Possibly a smidgen better. But now I had to put up with Annabella more often than not, which of course I had to pretend to be happy about. It was during one of these wonderful encounters that I came to yet another realisation (_woopdydoo_).

I sat under our favourite tree (complete with Marauder engraving and even more engravings from Moony and Padfoot) with James, Peter, Sirius, Annabella and even Lily had come to join us. I had homework on my lap, but for once I had chosen to join in talking with my friends. And once again being amazed by James' smoothness around Lily, all thanks to me! The conversation lulled for a while, as we all lay back enjoying the rare sunshine. I was propped up against the tree, perfectly positioned at catch Annabella lean in towards Sirius and engage him in a tender kiss. Jealousy took over my whole body, I was trying very hard not to visibly shake with it. _This is not a normal way to feel Remus. You need to admit it. You have feelings for that boy who has done so much for you. You know it's true. _

This time I did not tell that voice to shut up.

This time I knew the truth.

This time I wished the voice would quell some of the feelings running through me.

Of course, that was not the voice's job, it's only purpose was to make me realise what I should have always known.

I had feelings for Sirius Orion Black. For Padfoot. For my best friend..

* * *

I needed Lily. However, when I went to find her later on in the common room, I found myself unable to spoil what I had just seen.

After walking down the dormitory steps and walking around the corner, I saw Lily with James. Willingly. Sitting right next to him. And she was actually laughing.

I jumped back around the corner, not wanting to spoil it. At least James was doing something right.

* * *

**A/N hope you are enjoying this, review please? **


	6. Chapter 6

"Lily! Lily! _Oi_, Evans!" I shouted through the crowded corridor. Being the end of yet another week at Hogwarts, students were rushing out of class to seek enjoyment in their common rooms. I'd put off talking to Lily for a week, but, the longer I waited, the worse it got. Seeing him with her after realising the way I felt was like torture. Every kiss, every touch, every comment, made me feel liking shrinking away into the background of life to avoid the pain.

The redhead stopped when I finally managed to grab hold of her arm (the first time I accidentally grabbed the arm of some poor third year Ravenclaw) and spun around. I pulled her outside before she could talk and sat her down on a bench in the courtyard.

"Lily, I really need to talk to you about- something.."

She sensed my worry and her eyes instantly changed from suspicious to anxious. They look exactly how I felt, I had no idea how I was going to tell her everything I was feeling, but I had to.

"What's wrong Remus?" her voice soft and soothing.

"It's just- I've been- you were right."

"I was right? Right about what?"

"Remember the other week, in the library," I tried to push her in the right direction, hoping she would catch on so I wouldn't have to say it out loud.

"In the library.." she said to herself, trying to remember, "_Oh_! You mean about Sirius?" her mischievous grin once again in place.

I nodded stiffly.

"Soo, you like him in a more than platonic way?"

"Quite possibly," I spoke barely above a whisper.

"Remus! Why haven't you told me sooner!"

"Because I was unsure of it until last week."

"That's still a whole week!"

"Well," a small grin now spreading on my face, "to be fair, you have been rather busy."

"If you mean with Ja-Potter!" her eyes narrowing once again while I laughed at her anger. It was true, she had been spending slowly increasing amounts of time with James, although, I'm not sure if it was her doing, or James'.

"But anyway, Lily, please help me get over him!"

"Well, you can't just stop talking to him, he's your best friend and you need him, not talking to him would just make you unhappy. Why not try going out with someone else?"

I thought over it, and I couldn't see myself being attracted to another girl, or boy for that matter. However, it would probably be the only way to make Lily put that idea to rest if I gave it a shot. I shrugged.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt.."

"Okay! I'll find someone who likes you (shouldn't be hard, you underestimate how many girls actually like you) and if you think they are okay, ask them to Hogsmeade next week end. Sound like a plan?"

"Yeah, sure."

She hugged me and said something about homework and once again got lost in the crowded corridors. I sat there for a little while longer.

_So you're going to have a date, it doesn't matter. It might actually help you. In the end, you need to do something. Sirius has Annabella, you should have someone too. And you've never tried going out with someone before, you may be pleasantly surprised. _

Sighing, I traipsed back to the tower. James found me sitting in the corner three hours later half asleep.

"Remus? You okay?"

I jumped awake, "Erm, yeah fine."

"Good, I have news!"

"Really? What is it?"

"Well, me and Lily were making the prefects timetable thingy -you have Thursday by the way- and we were talking -you know how good I've gotten at not talking about myself- and she called me James again! That's twice in four days!"

I laughed lightheartedly at his excitement; he was squirming around in his seat next to me with a huge childish grin on his face, "That's great Prongs, look like you're making quite a bit of progression with this."

"Too right I am! She didn't even care that she had! So what's next?"

"Okay, you now how Hogsmeade is next weekend?"

"You want me to ask her out on a date?"

"No, just arrange to meet up with her and Alice in the Three Broomsticks, and bring Peter, and Sirius and Annabella if they want to go. And then, be nice to her, buy a round of drinks for everyone and then just laugh an talk and treat both her and Alice as your friends."

"Right, okay. When should I ask her?"

"Thursday."

"But that's only two days before, what if she already has plans?"

"Trust me, she's going their with Alice and spending the day there, it will be fine."

Sirius and Peter walked into the common room and were quickly informed (by James of course) of our latest conversation.

"That's great James," Sirius said not really caring, "We need to come up with a prank. Quickly. We've been back for a couple of weeks and we've done nothing. People are beginning to think we've stopped. And that is _not_ allowed."

"Well," James fidgeted with his robes, "what do you think Lily would say?"

"She's stayed friends with me all these years, I'm sure she'd been fine as long as no one is hurt," I smiled reassuringly at him.

"Excellent! Okay here's what I'm thinking..." and we spent the next few hours planning. Our prank would take place on Monday during dinner, and James made sure that Lily could only take it as a bit of lighthearted fun.

* * *

And sure enough when Monday came, Lily could be seen laughing at the Gryffindor table with Alice and the rest of us, while James beamed in his pride at making her laugh.

The prank was simple, yet had to be carefully carried out. We had snuck into the hall during our free period (well, Peter was in Herbology, but the rest of us were free) and set it up. We had simply planned to place fireworks underneath each table, they would blow up when we decided it would be best (during dessert). They would disturb the table but not our benches, hopefully causing pies, tarts and ice cream to be thrown around.

Thankfully this is exactly what happened. The Marauders and I grabbed Lily and Alice and pulled them down with us to avoid the explosion of food. And when we returned, we found everyone covered in various desserts, laughing and throwing even more food at each other. The professors smiled here and there (except for Professor McGonagall whose lips were pursed with her annoyance). Lily picked up the destroyed remains of her own ice cream and chucked them at James. Who then proceeded to thrown pie at Sirius who of course retaliated. The impending food fight was cut short by Professor Dumbledore who vanished the food with a flick of his wand.

"It seems we've all had a rather fun start to the week," he spoke and looked at us with a twinkle in his eye, "but now, I suggest we all go and get cleaned off."

"You're a bad influence on me James," Lily said with a grin, which James returned as we set off for the tower, "I never would have found that funny if we weren't friends," at the word friends James' eyes practically burst out of his head, but he just kept smiling.

* * *

Back in the common room, Lily pulled me to one side.

"I've found someone for you," she grinned up at me.

"Who?"

"Mary Parks. That Hufflepuff girl in our year. She's had a crush on you for a year apparently."

"Oh. Okay then, I guess I'll ask her out."

"Night!" she said grinning as she left for her dorm.

I sat on the sofa in the far corner. I had a date (well, nearly). It was an odd thing to think about. I barely knew this girl, liked her even less. Don't get me wrong, she seemed like a perfectly nice girl, but not what I wanted.

Sirius sat next to me, distracting me for a while as we talked. Eventually he fell asleep with his legs stretched across me. I slumped backwards, _this is the one I want to be with. Why do these things have to be so damn difficult?_ I pushed his hair behind his ear, smiling at his sleeping form._ I should take him up stairs, unfortunately, he's far too heavy for me to lift... _Instead I ended up transfiguring a blanket and laying it over him and going to bed myself.

The next day I would be asking out Mary. How fun.

* * *

**A/N review please :) **


	7. Chapter 7

Saturday morning found me sitting in the dorm waiting for 9 o'clock. At 9, I would leave for breakfast with James, Sirius and Peter. At 10, I would be meeting Mary in the Entrance Hall. I had ended up waiting until Ancient Runes on Monday morning to ask Mary out. She had grinned wildly and flung her arms around my neck, saying yes into my ear. On Thursday, James had proposed all the Gryffindor seventh years meet in the Three Broomsticks, effectively asking out Lily. Everyone agreed except for me, I had politely declined and told my friends of my date for the first time. Sirius was furious for not being told sooner, but eventually dropped it.

I ate slowly, trying to pass the time. I saw Mary leave the hall at ten to, and followed five minutes later. She appeared from the entrance to the corridor that held her common room, and we set off.

Mary managed to keep a light conversation going the whole journey, I spoke when necessary but mostly smiled, laughed or gasped when appropriate. This seemed to go down well as she seemed to be rather fond of talking.

At the Three Broomsticks, Mary found us seats far in the corner while I bought drinks. As the conversation continued, Mary continuously put her hand on mine for a minute then remove it, as though she couldn't make up her mind if she wanted it there or not. Occasionally, she would push my arm when laughing. I tried to remain focused on her, I tried to think of her in a romantic way. It was almost working until the others came in.

They sat a couple of tables away, Annabella had joined them by now too. They laughed and joked as I tried to drown them out and focus on Mary, who was slowly edging closer to me. When I saw James, Peter, Lily and Alice get up to leave, I turned to find her incredibly close now.

I studied her face as she stared into my eyes. She really was quite pretty. Her brown hair framed her pale skin nicely. Green eyes, with gold flecks similar to those in my own eyes. Freckles delicately covering her nose and cheeks. A truly beautiful smile, still getting closer. She was what people would call "beautiful" but I could not stop myself comparing her to one I thought truly beautiful: Sirius. I pushed him out of my mind as her lips met mine. Instinctively, my hand cupped her cheek.

A rather annoyed cough broke us apart moments later. Sirius stood with a confused-looking Annabella at our table.

"Mind if we join you," he said with a fake smile, sitting before I could answer.

"What happened to the others?" I wasn't sure if Sirius interrupting my date when I was trying to get over him was a good thing, but it also seemed like I had no choice. Both Annabella and Mary seemed particularly annoyed by the change in seats.

Sirius sat with us for the remainder of our visit, never letting us stop talking. Eventually, Annabella stood up, saying something about needing more quills and going to buy some. She was simply waved away by Sirius, who barely looked up as she stormed out of pub; apparently, she did not appreciate being ignored, for she did not return.

"Remus, maybe we should make our way back to the castle?" Mary looked at me, clearly trying to get rid of Sirius and give us some "alone time". However Sirius jumped up at this and decided that was a great idea and led us outside.

* * *

As Mary stopped to head off to her own common room, she pulled me down into another kiss, this time quicker. Throwing a glare at Sirius she said, "See you around Remus," and left.

"God Remus, do you actually like _her_? Of all people? All she wanted to do was snog your face off all day," Sirius said sounding disgusted as we walked through as castle.

"What does it matter to you if I like her? And so what if she wants to kiss me?"

"If she wants to kiss you, great! But there's got to be more to a relationship then that!"

"Oh cause you know so much about successful relationships," I scoffed, but he did not seem to pick up on my criticising of his dating records.

"Of course I do Moony!"

He stopped abruptly in the middle of the corridor. Turning to face him, I noticed the look of deep concentration on his face, years of training told me that was something bad. He grabbed my arm.

"Come here Remus," he said, dragging me towards a cupboard.

"What are you doing?" panic was starting to rise in my chest as he practically threw me in there, and followed.

_"This."_

He leaned forward and kissed me. His tongue moving across my bottom lip in a completely hair-raising way, before preceding to engage my own tongue in its movements. It was everything kissing Mary wasn't: _amazing, shiver-inducing and completely exhilarating_. His arms were on my waist, but mine stayed by my side, not really sure how I should react to this. When he pulled away, I stood there spluttering.

"What was that!"

"An experiment," he stated simply before leaving the broom cupboard and walking away. I sank to the floor, too scared to go back to the dorm.

None of it made sense, your best friend kissing you out of the blue and claiming it to be an experiment._ Did mean experimenting to see how I kissed? Or to see what it was like kissing men in general? Or maybe even just cause he felt like it? Why was Sirius Black so god damn confusing?_

* * *

Around midnight, I crept back along to the tower, trying not to alert Filch, Mrs Norris and Peeves if they happened to be around. The Fat Lady begrudgingly let me in but was not pleased to be woken up. The common room was empty and the embers in the fire were slowly dying. The dorm was eerily silent, Peter and James both seemed to be asleep, but their usual snores did not fill the room, and Sirius' bed lay untouched. Why hadn't he come back to the dorm? Was he hiding from me? Or did he just have better things to do? Either way, I was alone in the comfort of my own bed, with some rather uncomfortable thoughts to deal with (but then again, some of them were _spectacularly_ pleasant).

* * *

**A/N sorry if this chapter seems really quick or rushed, but hope you are all enjoying it, reviews please **


	8. Sorry

Dear readers,

I'm so sorry, but I won't be updating this story or writing anymore. I'm very sorry, but for personal reasons I can't, and won't in the future. Feel free to hate me, but I wish I could at least finish the story for you, but I can't. I'm sorry


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